Sweet Goodbye

Photo by: Justyn Shawn

“I know that this is only a game but i have learned to love you already, you are so sweet and i love the way you flash those sweet smile...  You know what?  Every time you smile, it relieves my pain away so i really thank you for accompanying me during my down times.”  These are the last words that I’ve heard from Ton before we parted ways, words that will always resound silently in my ear.

My name is Marsh, call center agent, an all-out gay, an average looking person, kalog pero serious sa buhay.  Isang simpleng tao na may malaking pangarap ngunit simpleng kaligayahan at ito ay kilalanin ang buo kong pagkatao, ang mahalin, igalang, at tanggapin kung sino ako. 

It was a simple day on a month of August.  My boyfriend and I were cool off.  Nasa CDO sya that time when I met Ton at the cafeteria eating alone. Since it was break time most of the tables are occupied so I just decided to ask him if I can share the table with him, because that is the only table with an empty chair, and he just smiled at me.  So, I took that smile as a yes.  Matagal ko ng crush si Ton.  Simula palang nung magjoin ako sa company na pinapasukan namin he already captured my attention.  Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang meron sya basta ang alam ko cute sya.  Hindi naman ito ang unang pagkikita namin dahil nasa iisang department lang kami at katulad ng ng sabi ko he already caught my attention.  That time, I’ve heard that he just came from a break up so napaka awkward ng situation that time.  Ako, cool off kami ng boyfriend ko at sya naman kagagaling lang sa hiwalayan.

He broke the awkward silent moment between us when he hit me with a question.  Tanong na sa tingin ko ay parang nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon because of the cool off issue between me and my boyfriend.  My boyfriend asked for cool off because he wants to find himself so I just let him do whatever needs to be done.

“What will you do if iniwan ka ng bf mo?” tanong nya sa akin sa isang napakalamig na tono.

I was shocked and I don’t know how to answer his question.  It took me few seconds before I replied.

“I’ll just accept it coz if we're not meant for each other.  Then, di talaga magwowork yung relationship.” Simple kong tugon sa kanya.

He just sighed and walked out.  I don’t know where he went.  Maybe he go to the production floor on his station.

I thought that was the last time na makakausap ko sya.  But, after four days before my rest day when we were having our break he suddenly asked me.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

I really don’t know how to react that time.  Because of the situation I’m having that time.  Cool off kami ng boyfriend ko but we don’t consider ourselves na kami pa or hiwalay na.  I and my boyfriend just left our relationship hanging on a cloud.   My heart wants to say NO but my mind says I have to hang on to our relationship kasi cool off palang kami.  I was caught off guard that time.  Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sya sasagutin.  But, I came up with a decision to tell him that I do have a boyfriend.

After hearing my answer napa OUCH sya pero alam kong biro lang naman iyon.  Nasa personality na kasi ni Ton ang pagiging mapagbiro.  Kaya lang medyo napalakas yata ang pagkakasabi nya kaya naman most of our officemates stared on us.  Nahiya ako that time dahil sa mga impit na tawa ng mga kasamahan namin after hearing what Ton said.

On that same day after our duty, I am waiting for a cab para makauwi na.  I was about to hail a cab when I saw Ton.  Nakahinto na yung cab pero sinabihan ni Ton na hindi ako sasakay.  Napailing na lang ang driver at umalis.  Siguro inisip ng taxi driver na may sapak ako, papara-para ako tapos hindi naman pala ako sasakay.

“Bakit mo sinabi na hindi ako sasakay eh pauwi na ako.” Ang takang tanong ko dito.

“Kasi pupunta tayo ng IT Park at magjejeep lang tayo.” Ang masigla naman nitong sagot.

Sa totoo lang I hate riding in a jeepney. 

When we reached IT Park, guess san nya ako dinala?  Of course sa Jollibee.  To be honest kilig ako that time kasi of all the places sa favourite fast food chain nya pa ako dinala tapos crush ko pa ang kasama ko ngayon.  The only thing I hate talaga ih yung pinasakay nya ako sa jeep.  But to sum it up kilig moment pa rin to para sa akin.  What I like about him is hindi nya ako pinagbuhat ng tray kahit pa dalawang tray inabot ng order namin binuhat nya yung isa at dinala sa table namin then binalikan yung isa.  Diba ang sweet?  Feeling ko I’m a full pledged woman that time.

While eating, bigla syang nagtanong. “Are you happy with your boyfriend?”

I really can’t answer his question.  I don’t want to let go of my current relationship even though cool off kami.  Kahit na hindi na ako happy sa boyfriend ko.  But, still hindi ako sumagot instead I just gave him a plain look.

I almost choke when he ask another question.  “Are you giving money to your boyfriend?” diba sino ba namang gay ang hindi mabubulunan sa tanong na yan?  Connotation na kasi na pag may boyfriend ang isang gay eh dakilang financial assistance lang ang meron in between the relationship walang true love.

And of course hindi na nman ako makakuha ng tamang sagot na maibibigay sa kanya.  Sa totoo lang I admit umuutang ang boyfriend ko minsan.  May mga nababayaran minsan naman nakakalimutan pero syempre as partner hindi ko na sinisingil nahihiya rin kasi ako.  At dahil hindi nga ako makasagot, I just kept on silence at binigyan ko na lang sya ng pilit na ngiti.

Akala ko wala ng sasabihin si Ton when suddenly bigla na lang syang nag propose. “Can we be in a relationship kahit sa office lang tapos paglabas ng office ay friends lang tayo?”

I can’t utter even a single word when I heard his offer.  I was in a state of shock ng bigla nya akong kurutin na syang nagpabalik sa akin sa katinuan.  Sino ba namang all-out gay ang hindi magugulantang ang mundo kung isang cute straight guy ang mag-alok ng ganong kundisyon kahit na pa sabihin nating conditional relationship pa ito?  I want to say YES pero hindi ko maibulalas dala ng pagka shock kaya naman ginawa ko na lang ang favorite hobby ko ang manahimik kapag hindi makakuha ng tamang salita na sasabihin ko.

After that proposal I remain silent the whole period na kumakain kami.  Kahit na may tinatanong sya hindi ako sumasagot.  He asked me kung galit daw ba ako kasi daw baka na offend ako sa offer nya.  But, still I kept my silence.  So sabi nya let’s just forget about it.  Tumahimik na lang din sya.

Nanatili kaming walang kibuan hanggang sa ihatid nya ako sa sakayan ng cab.  Umalis din akong walang paalam.  While on the cab, I am still thinking of his proposal.  Pwede ko naman kasing tanggapin yun but I don’t know what happened to me that time.  Tila nalunok ko ang dila ko that time at nawala sa kin ang pagiging madaldal. May panghihinayang pero nangyari na eh.  Wala ng bawian.

That night I really can’t find my sleep buti na lang at rest day ko kinabukasan.  Hindi ko alam kung saan nailagay. Baka naitapon ko ng hindi sinasadya. LOL.  But kidding aside I am still thinking of the offer.  Hindi naman ako makakapag cheat kasi cool off kami and besides I need to be happy and inspired rin naman.

I was holding onto my cellphone and thinking to call my boyfriend just to say hi when I received a message coming from Ton offering again his proposal at this time may additional pa.  He added that, hindi daw sya katulad ng boyfriend ko na pineperahan lang ako. OUCH!  Which is, partly true naman yata.

Marami pang mga messages syang pinadala pero what rings to my ears is yung proposal na maging kami.  So what I did is I replied a back out of the topic.  “So why are you still awake?  Diba maaga pa ang pasok mo bukas?” and he replied wala daw akong pakialam kasi hindi naman daw kami.  Oo nga naman bakit ba ako susundin nito eh hindi nga naman kami.  And that message made me smile.  So what I did I send him another message “Kung sasagutin ba kita matutulog ka na?” mabilis pa sa alas kwatro ang reply nyang OO at I will never regret pag sinagot ko daw sya.  Ano pa nga ba ang gagawin ko?  Edi sinagot ko na sya.  To make the long story short naging kami that night.  And that same night he said I LOVE YOU to me.  Pero hesitant akong magreply kasi hindi ko rin naman ugaling mag say ng I love you too or kung ano pang dapat isagot.  Bihira lang.  Bihira pa sa patak ng ulan. Nakokornihan kasi ako.

It was almost lunch the following day when I checked on my phone.  I have seven missed calls and some messages.  Since it is just an ordinary phone that the company provided us it says no space for new messages.  I checked the missed calls it’s from my boyfriend and from Ton so as the messages.  So what I did is I opened the messages.  I read my boyfriend’s messages first.  Merong message na nangungumusta, natatanong kung galit daw ba ako, but what I hate on his messages is yung tawagin ako sa tunay kong pangalan.  I really hate it when people are calling on my real name.  Pero alam ko galit na sya pag ganon.  But because he pissed me off I did not replied instead I went on to Ton’s messages.  It was full of sweetness.  “Good Morning Hon, I know you’re still sleeping because you consumed the whole night thinking of me and it drained your energy.  When you wake up, don’t forget to eat and see you after my duty.” May kaangasan pero it made me smile na may halong kilig.  After reading all the messages I deleted it and since low tech nga si phone may biglang pumasok ulit na message.  It was of course from my boyfriend galit na galit na sa pag ignore ko sa mga messages nya so para naman masabi nya na nabasa ko I replied.  “How’s CDO?” and he immediately send a message asking me kung yun lang ba ang sasabihin ko.  Syempre naman yun lang ang sasabihin ko meron pa bang iba? Matapos nyang badtripin ako sa pagtawag nya sa real name ko? And then he texted again.  “WTF!  Do you want me to go back there?” at para naman akong si flash nagreply. “NO, just stay there!” pagbumalik sya pano na si Ton? Ang naisip ko agad.  At para naman akong kontrabida sa pelikula o teleserye sa mga malditang ngiting gumuhit sa aking mga labi ng mga oras na iyon.

It is six in the evening then.  Oras ng date namin ni Ton.  So I went onto the meeting place katulad ng napagkasunduan namin.  When I reached there I saw him waiting for me.  Sinalubong na nya ako then pumasok na sa restaurant.  While waiting for our order he sat beside me and lean his head on my shoulder, feeling ko tuloy oms ako that time.  Then he said. “Ang sakit talagang iwanan noh?”  My gosh! he hasn’t moved on with his girlfriend yet.  But I don’t have the right to be hurt cause all of this is just a game.  Pero hindi pa rin maalis sa akin na masakatan.  I looked at him and I saw a teary eyed guy then I looked at the people around us some are staring at us.  Feeling ko tuloy ang iniisip nila ako yung sanhi ng pagkalungkot ni Ton.  He said lots of things about his girlfriend pero hindi ko na maintindihan.  I was preoccupied by him.  And finally dumating din ang order namin so he went on the other side of the table and sat.  But before we started eating he sweetly utter.  “Thanks for listening, I LOVE YOU HON.”  And I just replied him with a smile.  But, while eating bigla akong napaisip.  Ano daw yung sabi nya I LOVE YOU akala ko ba sa work lang yun? Wala naman kami sa work ha bakit sya nagsabi ng ganon.  I haven’t noticed na may nakatingin pala sa amin ng mga sandaling yon. OMG it was my boyfriend’s friend.  Pero sa isip ko I don’t have to worry kasi cool off naman kami.  I can sense na Ton wants to say something but since tahimik ako di na lang din nya sinabi.  After a few minutes I told him that I will call my mother so I excuse myself.    When I was outside my boyfriend’s friend followed me.

“Hey Marsh long time no see.”  Dahil di ko maalala ang name nya I just gave him a smile and say hi.  Then he asked me.  “Who is your date? At bakit ka nakikipag date diba may boyfriend ka pa?” ang malachismosong tanong.  I just told him that Ton is my cousin para di na magtanong pa ng kung ano ano.  After nun umalis na sya.

After that date he accompanied me to the cab station but to my surprise he kissed me on my lips.  Smack lang.  gusto ko sana torrid kaya lang naalala ko nasa labas pala kami.  He really is sweet.

Marami pang times na nagdate kami ni Ton at yung usapan namin na sa work lang mukhang hindi na matutupad kasi parang hanggang sa labas dala na namin.

I was on my bed holding on to my cellphone but I didn't noticed that my boyfriend messaged me until I checked it.  The text stated that he is going back in a week so I replied why so soon?  Kasi naman parang ang bilis naman nyang nahanap ang sarili nya.  At yung conversation namin puro lang tanong na sasagutin ulit ng isa pang tanong. The last message nya tatawag daw sya.  So immediately I turned off my phone. Di ko alam bakit ayaw ko syang kausapin that time.

It was our 18^th day together.  So we decided to go out and watch a movie.  We watched 50 First Dates.  Sabay kaming tumatawa sa mga nakakatawang part at sabay ding naiyak sa mga nakakaiyak na scene.

While we were crying on the movie he then talked.  “Ang close na natin.”  Then I smiled. Dahil sa totoo lang talagang lumalimna ang samahan namin within that short span of time.  Because hindi mahirap mahalin si Ton dahil he was born charming without his knowing.  He was very sweet which made me confused because i don't know what's with him.  kahit medyo madilim aninag ko pa rin ang kanyang maamong mukha.  Then he looked back at me seems he want to tell me something.  He began to speak and the following word made me really cry and tear my heart into pieces. “My girlfriend wants us to be together again.” My emotion overflowed.  I cannot control my rushing tears falling down on my cheeks.  I felt like my colorful world turned into black and white and it stopped that very moment. I cried and cried.  Even if he is still talking I can't barely understand him until I found myself on his arms.  His comforting arms that hugged me and made me feel safe even if we are in the midst of leaving each other then I hear him saying: “I know that this is only a game but i have learned to love you already, you are so sweet and i love the way you smile.  You know what?  Every time you smile, it relieves my pain away so i really thank you for accompanying me during my down times.” 

Alam kong wala akong karapatan pero hindi ko mapigilan ang masaktan ng mga sandaling iyon.  Alam kong laro lang ang pinasok ko pero naging totoo ang lahat para sa akin. Having Ton in my life brings different meaning.  I’ve been happy whenever we were together but I have to let go of him.  I have to give up on my feelings for him kasi ito ang tama.  But still happy ako sa paghihiwalay namin kasi he’s been honest enough to tell me na magbabalikan sila ng girlfriend nya.

I have had the best 18 days of my life with Ton.  I will never ever forget the day that we bid our SWEET GOODBYE…

W A K A S